i’ve been able to perceive my friendships in a new perspective through my jealousies. i’ve come to know how much i appreciate our relationship…even excessively so at times. but what exactly does this mean? to have an obsession with someone? in a few instances, jealousy has exposed all the ways that I was taking relationships for granted. it’s like a laser…that highlights opportunities for the most personal development.
in every close relationship, jealousy is a common emotion. usually, it has to do with our own anxieties—feelings like replaced or betrayed start to arise. this happens because jealousy exploits our deepest vulnerability—our fear of possible abandonment. we feel helpless when we fear that someone will steal someone from us or that someone else would gain more importance. we suddenly then have to deal with all the ways we feel inadequate, undesirable, and unlovable.
have you ever decided to make your friend more jealous than they are making you, just to teach them a lesson? maybe you turned off their location or you removed them from an instagram post…or something even petty-er. did you decide that having your best friend was too good to be true and that it was just a matter of time before they chose someone else over you?
if you’ve never had thoughts similar to these, congrats to you! i envy you and i hope you teach me your ways. for the others, im right there with you on this journey of how to not let this j-word control our every thought and action that can potentially ruin all our future relationships.
so, how can one of the worst feelings in the world be helpful?
jealousy reveals to us our shortcomings and any qualities that others possess that we might desire to improve. it can bring out our competitive nature and provide us the chance to express to someone how much we might rely on their assurance. it can highlight instances of unhealthy reliance when we are speaking to our friend in an immature and self-deprecating manner, and it might highlight developmental insufficiencies that require healing. it may also serve as a reminder of the necessity of widening our support system in order to avoid burdening any one individual with our most primitive needs. most of us are kind-hearted people and the last thing we want to do is hurt the person that means so much to us. so, let’s work on it together!
if we take jealousy at face value rather than delving into its deeper meaning, it will become detrimental. but if we make the most of this unstable power, we may find new levels of completeness, strengthen the bases of our relationships, and get a deeper respect for our friendships. for some people, jealousy is the perfect opportunity to have a more sincere and intimate discussion about your needs, inner self, and the sanctity of the attachment.
this is a common feeling to experience. don’t worry! your best friend is very important to you (duh) and makes you feel special and happy to be with them. no one wants to lose that, and sometimes it seems like a threat to your happiness when your friend cares about other people; however, if you curb your jealousy, it can be better for both you and your friend. so, how do we do this?
1. rationalize why new friendships aren’t a threat
you know that it’s normal to have multiple friendships. no one is befriending new people for any reason that has to do with you, and thus it’s not going to change your existing dynamic.
2. people don’t forget shared experiences that easily
even if there are new people in your friend’s life, they will continue to want to spend time with you. as long as you keep making the effort, the relationship will stay in tact. even if that time is reduced because they start hanging out with others, that can sometimes be a good thing since it’s best to not become too attached. if you value your friend as much as they value you, you need to have their best interests in mind and truly know that they will not leave you. this is your friend who you care about, remember that. if having other friends will improve their life, it’s reason to be happy since you know that it’s doing good things for them. try not to compare yourself to their friends. your relationship is separate. your memories together are separate. if you feel like their other friends are starting to get in the way of your friendship, the best way to go about this is to not internalize this feeling, but communicate.
jealousy is normal and often shows up when a person feels insecure, threatened, or worried about losing a friend. learning how to cope with jealousy and talking openly with friends can help you overcome jealousy and most importantly, it can keep you from hurting the people you love the most. it’s a journey, that’s for sure. but it’s worth it to keep those you cherish. take my past experiences as a “do not do” warning. while i would change all my jealous-driven actions to keep my previous friendships, what’s in the past is in the past. the pain has been caused and that is constant. so move on, reflect, and do better in the future. we move forward, not backwards. try not to shame yourself, but make sure that your emotions are not in control of you. and as always, communication is key. unfortunately, telepathy does not quite exist 🙂
i love you all. i know it’s hard, but i believe in each and every one of you that you will come out of this stronger and healthier. let things that come to you, come. let things that are meant to go, go. and see what remains. as always, i’m just an email away if you’re struggling or want to talk: (firstname.lastname@example.org).
lots of love,